THE BIGGER ISSUES
Some people seek answers to big issues
like the meaning of life,
or what happens to us when we die.
To them my issues are small fry,
insignificant in the scheme of things
and i have to confess, that stings.
Because I may not be intellectual,
my grey cells are somewhat ineffectual
when deep thought is deemed essential,
but to me, the small things matter more.
What are wasps actually for?
They get mildly angry and it’s all out war.
You try to repel them and they sting you to fuck.
Then they do it one more time for luck.
They show no compassion, not one little bit
The barbarous pointless stripy shits.
When I want to appear clever
I step it up a level and ask questions like….
If music be the food of love,
are cheese quavers an aphrodisiac?
Is there such a thing as cheese semiquavers to give a quick thrill?
If so, toss one my way if you will.
On the subject of food,
does a fruitfly count as one of your five a day?
I have my doubts
but if it does I can ditch the sprouts.
They’re not veggies, it’s a well known fact
They are Beelzebub’s scrotal sac.
It’s not just food that fascinates me.
Other things I need to know.
Is a really hard Englishman in Australia
called a Pommy Granite?
If I wrote a book on the history of censorship
would they ban it?
Is David Icke for real, damn it?
If a group of crows didn’t mean to get together are they a manslaughter?
Do waterpolo players ride seahorses?
Are you lot bored stiff, or is it rigor mortis?
If you buy a wok on the internet
is it an ewok?
When it arrives are you in for a shock?
And here’s a thing.
Will the first non binary monarch
be called their majesty the qing?
When they assess the age of a dinosaur fossil
is it even remotely possible
to know if it used anti ageing creams?
Calculations could all go to hell
if it used those products by L’oreal.
But the question that concerns me most may come as a surprise.
If you stick your head down the toilet,
Which is not very wise,
do you get floaters in your eyes?
Clive Oseman is a multi slam winning Brummie spoken word artist,comedian, satirist and promoter based in Swindon. His third collection “It could be verse” was published by Black Eyes Publishing UK in 2020, and his debut one man show “Getting To Know Elizabeth” was first performed on Zoom in February 2021..