Wear a utility belt.
This avoids scrubbing holes
in your pockets with loose change
and inadvertently washing
phone numbers, first drafts and £10 notes
Never take on anyone else’s fish.
Learn about cars
but also find a reliable garage
and join the RAC.
Buy cheap crap from China.
Own several pairs of trousers
and change them regularly.
Pre-heat the bathroom and
check towels before showering.
Own a Swiss Army Knife
or failing that
a smartphone with a compass app.
Grouchy is a respectable standpoint to work from.
Back up your stuff.
Perfect the appearance of being busy;
never be caught writing poems.
Simon Williams has six published collections. He latest pamphlet, Spotting Capybaras in the Work of Mac Chagall, launched in April and his next full collection, Inti, will be out later this year. Simon was elected The Bard of Exeter in 2013 and founded the large-format magazine, The Broadsheet. He makes a living as a journalist.