My Dog Nearly Ate My Homework by James Woolf

My dog nearly ate my homework, Miss – I know what you are thinking
This isn’t some old tired excuse, his teeth were really sinking…

But luckily I grabbed my book and tugged it from his jaws
And as I tossed it in my bag he caught it with his paws

We wrestled with that maths book, an hour went by – or two!
Then suddenly he dropped down dead, I promise, Miss, it’s true

I loved that dog with all my heart – there was no one else you see
My mum and dad are missing, it’s a tragic loss for me

So I put my maths book by my bed and began my evening prayer
When a sudden bolt of lightning struck, it hit my CD player

And that of course burst into flames – it did, Miss, I’m no liar
And half my room was all ablaze as I hosed out the fire

I somehow saved my maths book though it got a little moist
Having worked so hard to do it all I really had no choice

I tried to remain collected, Miss, I made my bedtime drink
But after the traumas of that night I hardly slept a wink

I must have napped an hour or two and I’ll tell you how I know
Because at some point I was burgled by some lousy so and so

There was no sign of forced entry, no damage to my place
And that’s why I am positive he came from outer space

He didn’t steal my money or poor mum’s engagement ring
That alien took my maths book and that was everything

I’m not sure why he needed it – I can’t explain his actions
Perhaps he’s got behind in maths and was stuck with cosmic fractions

Don’t raise your eyebrows like that, Miss – I’m simply being candid
An alien stole my homework – that’s why I’m empty handed

(previously published in a Thynks Publications anthology)

James Woolf is a writer of short stories, scripts and adverts and occasional poems. ‘R V Sieger – additional documents disclosed by the Crown Prosecution Service’ was highly commended in the 2015 London Short Story Prize and will be published this month. Ambit magazine will be publishing another story later this year. He was shortlisted in the most recent Fish Flash Fiction competition. Prior to this, his plays have been produced in various off-West End venues including The King’s Head Theatre, the Arcola and the Theatre Royal Margate. Two radio plays have been broadcast including ‘Kerton’s Story’ with Bill Nighy, Lesley Sharp and Stephen Moore. He also write adverts for Black and Decker.



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