Give the Dinosaurs Guns by Keith Welch

I think to be a dinosaur would be a lot of fun
all the roaring and the stamping and the weighing many tons
I think I’ll build a time machine and send them what they lack
the Triassic and Jurassic times were awesome and on track
But Americans we know what’s best and let me tell you son
What the lizards didn’t have back then was lots and lots of guns
For a stegosaurus chilling out was apt to find some trouble
Facing predatory neighbors who approaching on the double
wanted nothing more than mouthfuls of his leathery backside
Without a Glock that horny beast had little but his hide
to fend off inconsiderate approaches of that sort
but a stegosaurus strapped is thus prepared for a retort
So imagine if you will a prehistoric paradise
where Rand-ian T-Rexes live and exercise their rights
and hadrosaurs will bellow that they’re libertarian
and all the tiny raptors are concealed-carrying
Then at last the dinosaurs will know the simple joy
Beloved so well by each surviving little girl and boy.

Keith Welch lives and works in Bloomington, Indiana. His work has been published exactly once (actually twice, now – Ed), possibly in error.



The Anaconda by Keith Welch

If I had an anaconda
I’ll tell you what I’d do
I’d rent a brand new Honda
and to Disneyland we’d go
at the ticket booth the
man would holler

what you got there son?

I’d produce
the anaconda and point it
like a gun, saying

gimme all your tickets man! Today is free for all!

And he’d gimme all the
tickets and go climbing up a wall
’cause no one wants to
fight an anaconda which constricts
then I’d give out all the tickets to
the spoiled little pricks
But I won’t go to Disneyland
not even with a snake
’cause all the talking animals
give me a belly ache
I’d take the anaconda to the
swamps he loves the best
where he can hunt the nutria
the rats and all the rest
You really can’t go wrong
with a constrictor as a friend
he’s the best of company
from snout to tail-end.

Keith Welch lives and works in Bloomington, Indiana. His work has been published exactly once, possibly in error.